People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Many hands make light work
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.