VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires