thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.