Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.