12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
You Might Also Like
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS