[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
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I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”