If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.