Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”