Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.