By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”