So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I gave up going to work for lent.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht