parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
They did not think through this water fountain
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My Guy
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?