Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
You Might Also Like
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
With this onion ring, I thee fed
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes