Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house