A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me irl
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.