Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Hey I worked for it too!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.