she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’