WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Lucky old June.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.