I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
#Caturday
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.