“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.