Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
At least try to make it slightly believable
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
so weird how every mom was born today
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.