“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.