Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
calling in to work dehydrated
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.