[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot