[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
screw you
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools