[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
handsome & gretel
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
If you breakdance you buy dance.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me in tagged photos
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.