Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
one last job
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]