Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Donkey Kong sommelier
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Just had my nails done!
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
The old gods are rising again.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy