8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Same post same
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.