MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
As the Lord intended
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on