The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is