Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
How do you like your Corgi?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
are they though??
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?