Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Friends that check up on you >
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Love this one 😂🧟
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…