JUMP
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UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it