Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”