what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.