“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Good dog. ❤️
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.