If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Seems kinda suspicious
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Kids: Stay in school.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
🙂🐾
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.