Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
3% human
97% stress
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.