[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.