[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?