Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
SF is the wild wild west man
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.