90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
No, I don’t think I will.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.