Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I want this so bad
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??