*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.