I forgot how to panic. Help
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m having an out of money experience.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
2 years later
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken