[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
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me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My support group can outdrink your support group.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight