ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?