I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL