My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant